Biblical Principles Of Marriage For Presidential Prayer Team

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women (Genesis 29:17-28; II Samuel 3:2-5).

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives (II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chronicles 11:21).

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden (Genesis 24:3; Numbers 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Nehemiah 10:30).

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, or any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce (Deuteronomy 22:19; Mark 10:9).

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law (Genesis 38:6-10; Deuteronomy 25:5-10).

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your father drunk and have sex with him (even if he previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female (Genesis 19:31-36).

If you have other Biblical injunctions to add to this list, please share them with the Presidential Prayer Team here.

25 Signs That You've Grown Up

A friend sent these to me the other day. Some of these apply, others don't. I must not have grown up yet. Yeah, me!

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. (True)
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. (Not necessarily)
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. (True)
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. (No)
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. (Not yet)
6. You watch the Weather Channel. (Always)
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. (Only if the FMA fails)
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. (yup)
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." (Never did)
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. (Yeah, but I'm more irritated that they do more sex than I do)
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. (yup)
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. (Not true, 11 PM S-H, 1 AM Fri and Sat)
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. (At least after the points from my last ticket are lifted)
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. (If I had a dog, I would)
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. (Not true)
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. (Also not true)
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. (Again, not true)
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach. (Probably not)
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. (I actually get three out of the four)
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." (It never was)
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. (If I'm awake)
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." (I do say both)
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (probably true)
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. (Always did)
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass (and I actually found some)