Did I Take a Step Too Far?

One of the nice things about spending time with my family was that it got me out of my own head for a little while so that I didn't stress out about the things that I'd done leading up to my holiday. As I explained when I introduced myself to my friend Pats' readers (see here), I tend to be fairly opinionated and often play the role of Reality Bitch Slap, not just in Pats' life but in the lives of all my friends and loved ones. But I do sometimes question if I go too far. So I'll let you all decide.

Here's the backstory: I dated this guy very briefly several years back before he spent a year studying abroad. He was just an outling when we first knew each other, but I admired his strength and his introspection. He was one of the first to help me to begin to conceive of sexuality in more fluid terms, and I enjoyed his perspective and his company. When he returned from his year abroad he was changed. We only ran into each other a few times, but he was far less comfortable with me and with himself. We only hooked up once, but we did correspond quite deeply, and he did comment that he appreciated my opinions and my candor. He's done some rather crazy things (in my estimation) In the last few months, and I fear I may have gone off the deep end with my last response. Take a look see:

"Now, I know that you know that I'm a commentator, and that you appreciate my honesty, which somehow suggests to me that you want me to chastise you, so here goes. Granted, you did write "soap opera-esque," and I'm not exactly known for making the most reasonable of decisions myself, and I know it's not my place to comment, but I'm afraid I feel a compulsion (that I don't quite feel like suppressing) to ask: are you on CRACK?

There's a lot you can run from, but you can't run from yourself, or the things about yourself that you dislike or about which you're uncomfortable. You aren't going to get away from you--ever. You aren't going to get away from the things you don't like about you unless (and until) you change them, and you're not going to get comfortable unless you confront what's bothering you.

So, your sexual identity is in flux: big deal. I actually hate talking about sexuality in terms of fixed and inflexible identities. I far prefer to think in terms of desire and attraction, both of which are dynamic and fluid by their very natures. All of which is to admit that my own desires are far from constant, and if more persons were honest then there would be a helluva lot more people admitting that their sexual attractions and desires are fluid and dynamic as well. Yes, I am typically attracted to persons whom others recognize as men, but that doesn't mean that I don't, on occasion, find myself attracted to persons whom we'd all recognize as women. I have been seriously twisted-up about my attractions to women--I mean, these desires and attractions have made me seriously uncomfortable. Do they make me straight? Am I not gay? Am I bi? "Exactly what am I," I've found myself asking. The fact of the matter is, I'm me, and my attractions to men and women are parts of me, and I can either do something about them or I can leave them be. How I choose to act on those desires contributes to the way other persons define me and my identity, and they contribute to the way I conceive of myself and my identity, but they do not limit my identity--at least not for myself, and I try not to let the limits others would place on me get me down. So sexuality and sexual identity are not either/or propositions. We're always already both/and. So yeah, I'm queer. I'm different. I'm not normal. I don't do sex or an identity in the ways I've been taught and encouraged to behave. I have desires, and I have attractions, and I'm not afraid to talk about them or to advocate and to defend them as worthy/legitimate/licit/acceptable/whatever.

That's where I am. That's where I'm comfortable being. That's the identity I'm comfortable doing. Where you're comfortable and what you choose to do are yours to decide. Finding a middle path is a noble ideal, but you need to be careful how you define the extremes you're attempting to negotiate. Where you're comfortable, that's your middle. Not that I'm a biku, or anything, just an interested outsider.

And being on the outside does have its advantages. It allows for some interesting perspectives. As always, if I've gone overboard, I apologize. But it just comes from concern."

So, what do you think, too much?