The Homosexual Agenda

I'm sure many of you in the US have heard Dr. Laura, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and others speak about the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one outside of the queer communities has ever seen it. Now, I really shouldn't be publishing this, but I just got my copy of the Homosexual Agenda for 2004 from The Head Homosexual. I hope you all appreciate what a limb I'm going out on for y'all. This is a very secret document. It's not just my security clearance that's at stake; they could revoke my Pink Card, and then where would I be? No more discounts on Stoli, Bolly, Veuve and painkillers. But it's important that the truth be told, and it's my sincere hope that this will assist all of you in making preparations for a fantastic new era of more fabulous living.

The Homosexual Agenda

6:00 AM: Gym
8:00 AM: Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites and mimosas)
9:00 AM: Hair appointment
10:00 AM: Shopping (preferably at Neiman's, Saks or Barney's)
1:00 PM: Brunch
2:00 PM: Assume complete control of the US Federal, state and local governments, as well as all other forms of world government, destroy all healthy marriages, replace school counselors in grades K-12 with agents from Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels, secure total control of the internet and all mass media
2:15 PM: Be fabulous
2:30 PM: Mud mask and forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM: Cocktails
6:00 PM: Light dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula and balsamic vinagrette dressing and Pouilly Fuisse)
8:00 PM: Theater
10:30 PM: "Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!"