Metamorphoses

I'm feeling a little messed up right now--managing some cognitive dissonance, coping with the gulf between the openness and breadth I advocate and the narrowness of my own desires. It's a real mind-fuck to admit to the orthodoxy of my desires and to my vulnerabilities, that I feel like I want someone to be there when I come home at night after a crappy day, fold me into his arms and tell me that we can get through life together. Every rational part of my being is at odds with being so emotionally dependant, and I can't stand to think in terms of forever. The sort of security I find myself craving is a fiction: he can change his mind; he can get moved away; he can die. But the rationality hasn't been overriding the emotionality lately. I feel like I've fallen apart in a lot of ways, and I'd like some support from another gay man while I put myself back together again. And it's got very little to do with sex; I just want someone in my life who has some idea of what it's like to be me. And I hate this feeling of being incomplete, or at the very least of being differently complete than I've been in the past.